The Bankroll is..

not just very important to one who plays for a living,
it would be like saying:
no hammers and nails to the carpenter,
swimming without water,
basketball without a hoop,
novel without words,
party without alcohol,
position in poker,
variance in omaha,
identity and people,
...
I need to stop worrying once I have a strong bankroll because it'll be the moat that keeps this castle safe. I need to just worry about getting the money in good.

Grinder vs. Glory

I think that I've come to realize that I'll never be the Mike McDermott of the world. I'm the Knish of the world and there is no shame in that. I'll never have those shots with the bands of Benjamins at the felt or be on High Stakes Poker with Durrr to my right and Zigmund to my left. I'm really content, so much so that I'm worried I've grown complacent and satisfied. Although the positive of that is that I'm really happy, really happy without any worries like a child. At the end of the day, life is good, but I'm struggling with a crisis now. I now realize I don't want to go through the swings it'll require to be at the top, and I also realize I don't really know exactly what I want from life. The absence of an answer to that question really haunts me, but I just want to take the precious moments in the day as it comes. I'm ok with that, because despite not knowing, I feel a kind of happiness money can't buy. At the end of a life, a grinder might not bask in any glory, but time turns all glory into bits and bits of dust. In the brief time that was walked on the Earth, I rather enjoy everything that shouldn't be then fooling myself in the illusions of the truth.

July Goals

100K NLHE hands [ ]
10k PLO hands [ ]
Finish 4 different books [ ]
Hit gym at least 3x a week [ ]
Cash out 5k [ ]
Run mile under 7 minutes [ ]

June Wrapup

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I almost had a 1k day today, almost lol. I was 90 percent there, but sometimes u run well, sometimes you don't. Well my month has been salvaged and I've regained my confidence and am having fun again. Pretty close to shutting down for the month, and really optimistic about next month. I ran pretty well at 100nl today, but I think I'll stay in between the limits as I need to gain stability. Almost cleared the PS bonus, I'm so close.

Video Games and Downswings

I think I should start playing video games and pc games when the poker gods aren't smiling upon me. I really really suck at video games, so maybe it'll remind me how good I am at poker compared to that.

What a dumb fucking game...

How am I ever going to succeed with that attitude? I don't know, but I do know this is one hell of a dumb fucking game. When you run hot, you will make money, when you don't, you won't make money. Maybe some of the poker gods out there can explain to me how to make money when I don't run hot. Funny thing is I'm not even losing. Life is good regardless. I think I need to just not focus on how I'm running versus focusing on playing my game. Variance will always be there, what can you do... Don't play scared.

What Will Give Me My Edge

Talent in poker is often overestimated by people, it's a simple game. It is silly to say someone was born to play poker because anybody at any given moment can get lucky. In order to get lucky many times over and over again, it's fitting that it requires something that can't be measured like luck, the intangibles. I'll do my best to describe what I view as the intangibles for a grinder. It's not the calculating mind or a specific killer instinct that one is born with that makes one a great player, it's the analysis away from the tables, the equity calculations away from the table, the bankroll that isn't put on the table, but most of all, the heart. It is a game that will test you over and over again, it's so simple yet the variance is horrific and I still tilt many a times a day. The only thing is how much and how I let it affect me. Poker is probably one of the most fair games in life, everyone is dealt two cards and follows the same betting structure as the next person. Everyone will get beat up over and over by this game, but in order to succeed, you have to keep getting beat up. That is what seperates those that can claim to have made it in this game, and those that couldn't. I know I will suceed because it will boil down to the will to do whatever to gain an edge. I'll get in more hands, analyze more hands, and protect the bankroll. I may never be a superstar, but I'll be quite content with making something out of the cards I've been dealt. Time will tell if I am right or wrong.