May May Be The Best

I came close to having my best month ever, kinda sad that it's such a low total. I felt like I played really well for the most of the month every day, and didn't really tilt except for today. I went on monkey tilt and dropped 300 bucks, could have been a lot better or a lot worse. Midterms really tilt me and it translates to the tables, I timed out of a huge pot with the nuts because I was also studying for a mid-term, that started a chain of reaction that tilted me. I started playing looser, moved up in stakes, and couldn't take a few bad beats. For May I'm going to aim to just play as many hands as I can. I played a bit of omaha this month, but nothing to brag about there.

Goals for May
1. Focus, I want to play my best every time I am on the felt
2. Have my best month ever, I'm aiming for 5k after rakeback and bonuses
3. Play more hu because I really feel like I have my biggest edge there (more about the competition than me being a superstar) and it is the epitome of poker
4. Play at least one event in FTOPs maybe more depending how it goes



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Next Step and Chance

I think I've reached the next phase in my evolution as a poker player. I now stop playing when I feel like I'm not playing my A game. I don't want to, but I drag myself away from the computer if I'm not playing my best. This month might possibly be my best month ever. I'm not sure if I can get to the 5k month I envisioned, but it might be close if I didn't have all these stupid midterms. I'm very happy with my play and wish I could be not tilted by internet lag or losing a few coinflips. I really feel like I'm stepping it up though. I really want to play in the FTOPs, the br is pretty stable now and I'm thinking of taking a shot despite having only like 2.6k at FTP. Stars is busto and now that epassporte is gone I don't know if I should even bother trying to grind my 50 bucks there up lol. Either way, I'm going to be using my 75 dollar iron man token soon, the first time went better than expected but I bubbled. LOL donkaments. I still enjoy cash way more and consider myself a cash game player first. I've been reading a lot of quotes lately because it's one of my favorite activities in the world. T.S. Eliot has some good ones.

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

There is another way, if you have the courage.
The first I could describe in familiar terms
Because you have seen it, as we all have seen it,
Illustrated, more or less, in lives of those about us.
The second is unknown, and so requires faith —
The kind of faith that issues from despair.
The destination cannot be described;
You will know very little until you get there;
You will journey blind. But the way leads towards possession
Of what you have sought for in the wrong place.
Neither way is better.
Both ways are necessary. It is also necessary
To make a choice between them.

And then I found it weird how the french word for luck is chance. I guess it makes sense. I find it very very amusing and can relate to that word. I guess it makes sense because luck is most associated with a big draw to me, given enough chances, you will hit. So just keep taking shots because "chance" eventually happens to all men.

Sportsbetting

I'm not happy with the amount of hours I've spent grinding this week, but I just had a lot of other stuff going on. I think one thing I could have cut back on was the sportsbetting. I bustoed mysportsbook roll again today after reloading 200 yesterday. Maybe I should take a break lol. I didn't practice br management at all in sportbetting today and dropped half of it on one game where I was just chasing. I think I'm going to take a little time off from sportsbetting and concentrate on poker because I shouldn't get distracted, and sportsbetting is really a big distraction in that I want to follow the games I bet on. It's also a pain to research the games and time consuming. And when I don't stay patient, I spew as I did today. Other than that, I think I'm playing some fantastic poker and not tilting as much. I think a big part of that has to do with my relatively bigger bankroll in that when I drop 4 or 5 buyins I just shake it off and keep grinding instead of quitting like in the past because that would have been half my bankroll. Now it's only 10 percent of my bankroll. Amazing how I still only have 40 buyins at my normal game, but am still taking shots with way less. I guess I still have a lot to learn about, but I feel comfortable with the added pressure and want the challenge at times.

I Think I'm Ready

I'm playing some of the best poker in my life right now. I don't go on tilt because of bad beats anymore and can take the swings. I have a really good feeling about the second half of this month. I've been having a lot of days this month where I go up a lot of money and then cool off in the session. Today was no exception, but I felt like I took my beats really well and think I'm about to make a really good run. Towards the end, I was exhausted from losing in 6max so I switched to hu for a bit and was dominating. I think my confidence in hu is starting to come back too. Runnning very well in hu right now, but just need to put it together for one complete session. Not half a session or what not. I took a break and cooled down after the break, it was just too nice of a day today to be grinding all day.



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Rather Be Wrong My Way Than Right Your Way

I've been thinking, I'm not really good at taking advice. I don't think I'll ever take someone's advice on a really big part of my life like changing my lifestyle drastically. I do what I want and when I want because in the end it is my life. I figure I would rather be wrong and do it my way, than be right and follow my parents' advice or my friends'. If I'm right, I'm right and am happy to have had the confidence and conviction to follow through with it. If I'm wrong I rather be wrong now, because if I changed my life, I'm screwed in the future anyways because I wouldn't be competent to be making my own decisions. A perfect example would be poker, if I don't make it in poker, I probably wouldn't have the confidence to ever trust myself to make another important decision. I might as well be wrong my way than listen to someone else and be right their way. If I changed, I wouldn't be living my own life and my name might as well not be Johnny, but my Johnny's Mom or Johnny's Friend. I am who I am, and I want the journey to stay that way no matter what the outcome. Hindsight bias for me one day when I look back and say maybe I should have listened and lived my life differently. NEVER, I rather die my own life than have lived someone else's life. After all, "Every man dies. Not every man truly lives." - William Wallace in Brave Heart

This Very Moment

[To Briseis] I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful BECAUSE we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. And we will never be here again. -Achilles in "Troy"

I was reflecting profoundly on my life as I was zoning out in my math discussion today, (a very valid reason for why I failed the midterm last quarter)and I realized how happy I should be and appreciate every moment in my life. I reached an epiphany that it's my life and I'll have to make my own choices. I LOVE MY LIFE and I can do whatever I want and should. Life is too short for anything else and it shouldn't matter what people think. As they say, I wish I could say I honestly 100 percent truly believe it, but I'll try to, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”
-Dr.Seuss

Poker is going very frustrating still at times. I keep having monster breakouts only to be taking a step back. I only grinded 2 hours of poker today dropping about 50 dollars. It could have been a lot worse, and it was the first time in a while in mind that I felt like chucking my laptop against the wall. I wish I was rich enough to be able to throw my mouse hard against the wall because it was that kind of day. I did well to battle back, but wasn't in a groove today. I was in a groove yesterday getting up to up 10 buyins until I dropped back down to up 4 buyins. I really have to work on my mental preparation still. Today was a terrible day in general though as I got hammered on my position in FMD, and lost a 2 team and 3 team parlay by one team. Bodog went busto by the way, but I deposited into mysportsbook.com instead. I hate how I feel I deserve to win something b/c I get my money in good, or read the game as it plays out only to have Burnett blow up and give up a bunch of runs. There is no fair in the world or the game. It is what it is. The game is the game. AND IT IS WHAT IT IS. If I just remember that I think I will live a much less frustrated life at times. So I guess everything in the end is about me being who I was born to be and things are what they are, fair is such a stupid word in so many ways.

Briseis: Why did you choose this life?

Achilles: What life?

Briseis: To be a great warrior.

Achilles: I chose nothing. I was born and this is what I am.

Sometimes I think we are destined for certain things, so what use is it to try. But I can't accept that and will continue to work hard because it's like the hindsight bias. They say you are destined for something or you prove you were destined for something when they write the ending to the story. Don't know if it makes sense to anyone else, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

Focus

I'm disgusted with my focus right now. I really need to work on my mental game the best that I can. I was having such a great day going up to 255 dollars in less than 2 hours before going out to a buffet with the roommates. I got back and quickly got coolered where my aa ran into a set, my fault as I should have read it but it's hard when you multitable so many tables. I battled back and got all the way up to up 350 dollars before I just started playing spewy and attempting to bluff calling stations off of tptk. I really need to work on my focus. I'm probably even with rakeback this month, but the goal is still the 5k. I have this month mapped out where I want to be at and hopefully by the Wednesday I can get back into hu. FOCUS CONCENTRATION CAN'T LOSE, a little subtle reminder to myself tomorrow when I hit the tables. I guess 47 dollars an hour for microstakes is something I should be really happy with.



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March Wrapup and Tonight

I think I'm going to stop posting my bets on bodog because it's a waste of space. I will however update how my baseball bets are going at the end of the month by reading the bodog account total. I'll probably post some nice parlays I feel good about once I get more of a bankroll. For opening day, I ended down 10 dollars overall. Tonight, I was extremely happy with how I played in six max. I was down and battled back for a decent win of 50 bucks. Then suprise suprise, my nemesis hu showed up. I played some hu and am ridiculously tilted lol. My hu game isn't ready, I keep blaming running bad, but perhaps I just don't have the complete package. I feel like I'm a good player, but when things start going bad, I tilt and can't focus mentally. There were some sick hands where I got coolered such as losing with a flopped 56 flush to a 103 flush, but nothing I can do there. I also coolered some opponents, I just need to think positive and focus at all times. I'm down 124 dollars to start off April and this is no April Fool's day joke. I think March went by like a dissappointment. Hopefully, I learned the lessons I should have from March. All the downswings were from hu and attempting to move up shortrolled. I'm not going to play hu at 100nl until I get 5k in the bankroll. I did today and lost half a buyin in 9 hands. Some sick handS in those nine hands lol. I'm either growing really pussy or learning when to quit b/c I insta-quit after a hand where my opponent doubled up on me for more than a full buyin.

Top Lessons of March:
1) No hu unless I'm bankrolled
2) I'm not quite ready to move up in limits yet
3) I know I can play, I just need to tap into my mental game

Goals for April:
MAKE 5K after rakeback is cool too, (just get it done) I've never done that before, school is busy, but I really want this and I think the human will is possibly one of the strongest forces if not the strongest force in the universe, it can defy even gravity and hydrogen bonds. And yes, today was the first day of a class and I managed to oversleep it, was up late watching a CR vid lol, my heart just isn't in school anymore or never was. 5K!!!!!

Very proud how I battled back from the downswings though, I honestly don't know if they even qualify that much as a swing. Seriously though, this hu slump is getting old.



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