Do or do not, there is no try.

And I didn't do it this month. Hopefully next month will be better, not hopefully, but it's simply a state of mind. I just do what I do every day, and get my money in with the best of it. You can only get sucked out on so many times if you constantly get it in good. Wow swings are sick, I think I went on a 20 buyin downswing lol. O well, what can you do sometimes. I can only smile back. School is probably out, so if I predict a massive upswing in the 2nd half of June despite summer school. Sigh, school is a leak for me. It tilts me and doesn't allow me to play my best. Man, sometimes I wonder am I lying to myself about this game. I don't think so, but if I am, I'm doing a hell of a good job. What a beautiful dream, will I make it happen?
It was still a meh month seeing how I made close to 800 dollars in rakeback too.



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Terrible Tilt Strikes

Awesome I haven't had this bad of an overall day in so so so so very long. Dropped 8 buyins, was on tilt and just wanted to flip. LOL, to be fair, I only got it in really bad like twice. The rest were questionable plays that ended up being flips that I couldn't win. When you play bad, you also run bad. And today I played very bad and definitely was on tilt. O well, life goes on. What set me off on tilt? MIN RAISES?! I hate those, so I thought this one guy was pretty donkish and I think I ended up donating several buyins to him just because I couldn't deal with those stupid min raises. Perhaps they aren't so retarded because they got me to tilt. I should just be happy someone min reraises or raises because they are pricing me in to bust their big hand, instead of trying to move them off of a high pocket pair. I can't wait until summer, I really want to just grind poker even though I just got murdered in that less than 2 hour session. I really need the hours to grind in. Yep, according to Poker ev, I should be down only 4 buyins, but I guess I deserve it for trying to get in so many flips because I "wanted" to gamble. Better luck tomorrow I guess. Variance is a bitch, but sometimes shooting yourself in the foot is even worse.

Memorial Day

http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/21/war-is/ Comment 24 is especially a very good read. I use to be a hawk, now I'm not so sure. I can't describe war, I've never engaged in one, but my imagination can only envision the horrors and realities. It actually disgusts me when people compare a sport like football or a game like poker to war. In the end, what is truly gained by it? Perhaps nothing, or perhaps everything. There was a dream that was America, the ideas behind it were beautiful. It was created by war and paid for by blood, but is this really suppose to be it. I think it's the greatest country on Earth, but some days it just seems everything is just a dream and everything is bullshit. Still, I guess you have to try. Thanks for all those who have sacraficed for this country, and I hope it wasn't for nothing.

Justine Henin

The 25-year-old Belgian said Saturday that she didn’t retire because of any health issues—she just does not feel the passion for playing tennis that carried her to seven Grand Slam singles titles.

“Now I don’t need the competition to be happy. I don’t need this adrenaline being in front of thousands of people to really be happy,” Henin said. “I just need to be myself. I’m a simple person. I can live very easily.”

“I don’t need this anymore,” she continued. “I know what I did here in the past, and I don’t need to live this again. I’m fine with my career. I’m really happy and proud of what I did, and I don’t need to live these moments anymore.”

I don't really follow woman's tennis or tennis in general, but Justine Henin's case intrigued me. I don't understand why she is leaving because she is clearly still in her prime? I think, she's only 25 and isn't injured. This is not a rag on Henin, because she just lost her passion for the game, no shame in that. Justine Henin has made me appreciate Doyle Brunson so much more. Doyle has done so much in the game of poker, but he still plays daily despite his age. It's just pure love for the game. His passion for the game remains the same as it was back when he first started playing when dinosaurs walked the Earth. I think and hope my love for the game will always draw me towards the game. Even if I never win anything or never shine among the brightest stars, I hope it'll be one hell of a journey. I'm still struggling to keep my focus at 100 percent always, but I'm dealing with beats really well now compared to the past. I think I've become indifferent, that's why I'm not quite moving up yet because I have a few more kinks to work out and I want a big bankroll so I don't feel the pain and revert to my old self-destructive self.

Good Job AP

You broke me, I can't play at your site the rest of this month. I'm so paranoid that you guys don't use a random shuffle. Maybe it's just your bullshit bad beat jackpot eating me up. I picked up 6 buyins in less than an hour on ftp and lost it all when I decided to play AP. I don't understand. I'm so confused and lost. The opponents on AP are so much worse than the competition on ftp. Maybe I'm just not adjusting well or something. Or maybe they are better and I'm the stupid fish. I've dropped over 1k at AP in the last week, I don't know how. I'm running very well on ftp though, but I can't deal with these opponents on AP well. AP is fucking rigged like hell. THe badbeat jackpot is bullshit and the rake there is atrocious with it. The plays are surreal, I'm not tilting when I'm playing, but maybe I'm just not even noticing myself playing worse and worse on that site. AP is absolute bullshit. Maybe this is all in my head. I don't know, but losing 20 buyins is something I haven't done in a while. The thing is it is not 20 buyins I'm down, but 20 buyins on AP. I don't know why I make a point of losing money on AP so badly b/c I'm running well everywhere else. Maybe it is just my imagination and I'm creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Wow, writing this rant has made me feel silly about my thoughts towards AP, but I'm human so a break there will do my mental focus some good.

I Hate Absolute Poker

I can't beat that game for the life of me right now. It's pathetic. I'm happy to say though, the tilt isn't as bad as it was before. Why do I still play on that site? The rake for the BBJ is atrocious, I've paid so much money to it already and I don't remember ever experiencing a beat or seeing one as bad at one of my tables and I've played probably close to a million hands lifetime. O right, the players there are so incredibly bad. I hate saying that because what does that make me lol? I'm the one that can't beat them. I made 4 buyins at full tilt in an less than an hour and somehow proceeded to drop 7 buyins in less than an hour on absolute poker. My big hands were cracked, I couldn't win flips, and towards the last 2 buyins, tilt was setting in a bit. At first, I was playing a very laggy style to get in hands with the bad players, but now I'm playing very tight because I see how bad the rake is. Playing tight hasn't worked so far, so I might just have to stop thinking about playing a specific style and just play the specific opponent. I was running at 27/17 earlier, won a bunch of money on AP, then lost a bunch. I'm now playing 18/14, but it's not working very well. I think some of this might just be variance, but in the future I'm just going to play. I'm not going to target any specific numbers, but just get my money in good and play specific opponents a specific way rather than a specific way for all my opponents. I'm almost done clearing my original bonus of 500 dollars and the bankroll is at 700. I know I've raked back a lot, but definitely hasn't been worth it at all. Maybe this bad running at AP is due to my karma of playing on a site that cheats its customers deliberately and maybe they're Rigged for sure. I know it sounds crazy, but crazier things have happened there already and swings really do make me one crazy son of a bitch. I wish poker ev worked for that site, so I can run it and bemoan and groan at my luck and maybe have proof that AP's shuffling isn't random. THEY HAVE A RABBIT CAM LOL, I'm smart enough to not use it though.

Things Aren't Going So Well

Well I haven't booked any big wins since Sunday. I really hope to get back on track soon, and I love having an actual bankroll, I don't feel the pains of not winning every session. It's still really frustrating to not be producing right now. I've stayed mainly on the even side. I was having my first breakthrough day in Omaha today picking up an actual buyin and a half. I was also doing well in headsup picking up 2 buyins hu until this one opponent destroyed me for 4 full buyins. I think I went a little too 3bet happy, and couldn't hit and he made some hands against me. I'm not sure if this hand was complete spew by me, or I was actually thinking on another level. I just remembered the hand Phil Galfond said that Durr had taught him, always consider all your options. Then it flashed to me that I might be able to move him off of a 7. I thought he had a seven, but couldn't call, I don't know what I was doing floating the turn if I thought he had a seven. I was torn between a fold in this hand or a call when suddenly I remembered I could shove. I'm not sure what he had, he could have had air but he did time down. I think he might have had a baby flush, and my push worked. But I just remembered what Durr had said once to H@llinger who had a weak top pair and was faced with a hard decision on the river. A call is better than a fold, but a shove is best.

Full Tilt Poker, $0.25/$0.50 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 2 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter


Hero (SB): $100.75

BB: $150.55

Pre-Flop: A K dealt to Hero (SB)
Hero raises to $1.50, BB calls $1

Flop: ($3) 7 K 7 (2 Players)

BB checks, Hero bets $2, BB raises to $7, Hero calls $5

Turn: ($17) J (2 Players)
BB bets $12, Hero calls $12

River: ($41) 8 (2 Players)
BB bets $22, Hero raises to $80.25 and is All-In, BB folds

Results: $85 Pot ($0.50 Rake)
Hero mucked A K and WON $84.50 (+$42 NET)

Disappointment

"You cannot survive without that intangible quality we call heart. The mark of a top player is not how much he wins when he is winning but how he handles his losses. If you win for thirty days in a row, that makes no difference if on the thirty-first you have a bad night, go crazy, and throw it all away." - Bobby Baldwin

And I threw it away today. I was on tilt so bad, that I had to walk away from the table and watched the Cavs/Celtics game and Gladiator. Ok, so I'm being a little melodramatic as I did only end the day down one buy-in. I was up 5 buyins in 1.5 hours though, before being the genius I am, I decided to switch sites and move up in stake for one table and play. For some reason, my stats between sites differ drastically, I don't know if I adapt to the competition or it's just psychological. I quickly regretted that decision. I honestly don't even think I played that bad, there were some close decisions and I made some riskier ones. It's hard to think straight when you get coolered constantly, but this is the name of the game. I just hate it when I get to the point where I get kk and I'm worried about aa or a queen hitting a set on the flop for my opponent who had aq. O well, better luck tomorrow I guess. I'm happy I was able to walk away because when I first started this blog, I would tilt away my entire bankroll. The final step will be to be able to play through tilt, I don't know if that's possible, but I think it should be when I finally become the player I envision myself as.

Best Day Of the Year

I just want to remind myself that it is not that the good days that are great that make me, but it's the bad days that don't break me that make me. I had a very good day today, but I will try to keep grounded and remind myself of the variance in this game. I also realize that I only win in about half of my games, but it's how I don't let the losing sessions affect me that make me a winner. (Interesting note, I dropped a lot of buyins in hu 100nl this year and won 55 percent of my sessions, but won more than that in other games despite only winning 50 percent of my sessions.) On quite a bit of a heater after playing a few hands I wish I could have had back earlier in the day, I don't think I played mistake free, but I kept free of the big ones throughout the heater. With this upswing, I might have enough in the bankroll to get to grind hu consistently now. I think the poker gods made up some of the recent run when my a10 2pac on the turn all-in sucked out against a flopped straight on the river. I can honestly say though, I think I would have taken that cooler pretty well because I was ready to move on and keep grinding, but a lovely suprise on the river nevertheless.



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I Sorta Just LOLed

I guess I felt relieved I was right that he didn't have me dominated and it was a play at the pot. It was his second 4bet in like 10 hands and I felt like my 3bets must have been getting to him and just an eerie feeling I guess you can call intuition. I was relieved to see this hand show up, and then just had another feeling with how I've been running recently it would hit. Yesterday, playing down to my whittled bankroll, my AA lost to kk, aa lost to jq all-in postflop of jack high, and my kk was less than jj. (less than 700 hands)I think this running bad is more about me not having the security of a bankroll to play with than it does with running bad. When you don't have the bankroll to keep grinding until variance smoothens, you better be lucky. This should be a lesson for me on why a bankroll is important, but I have a feeling I know the right thing, but I just find excuses not to do it. Thank God rakeback got here so now I have like 1k to grind, still a bit thin, but very healthy compared to what I'm accostomed to. I am dissapointed with my hu play today and dropped 4 buyins, I guess thankfully I made 5 buyins in 6 max today lol. I was happy I wasn't as tilted I would think I would be from poker. I'm more dissappointed in some of my play rather than the hands. The internet was lagging a bit, excuses...

$0.25/$0.50 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 2 Players
LeggoPoker.com Hand History Converter

Hero (BB): $71.25
SB: $76.70

Pre-Flop: Jh Ah dealt to Hero (BB)
SB raises to $1.50, Hero raises to $5.50, SB raises to $13.50, Hero raises to $34, SB raises to $76.70 and is All-In, Hero calls $37.25 and is All-In

Flop: ($142.50) 9c 6s 6d (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

Turn: ($142.50) 5s (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

River: ($142.50) Td (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

Results: $142.50 Pot ($0.50 Rake)
Hero showed Jh Ah (a pair of Sixes) and LOST (-$71.25 NET)
SB showed 2d 9d (two pair, Nines and Sixes) and WON $142 (+$70.75 NET)

Busted Out 100 spots from Cash

Wow it really sucks. Wow I don't really want to bitch, but it does hurt. I knew it was either going to be really sweet or just completely dejected right now. I put all my chips in with an oesd. I don't think I would have played that hand any differently though. I was in the bb and I called a min raise by the button with j9. Flop came 7q10 rainbow and I checkraised him to half my stack and he shoved. I obviously call and he had q6s for top pair. I'm happy with how I played for the majority of the tournament. I took some gambles that didn't work, made some good moves in my opinion and got lucky on flopping a set a few times. It's really known fact that you have to get lucky to win in these tournaments and I got lucky, felt like I did my best to put myself in winning positions. I think I might have been able to fold myself into the money as I did have nearly 8k in chips and now I'm seeing how everybody is just folding their way into the money. I guess I probably should have done that, part of me not doing that is not enough tournament experience, but I feel like I have to take those 2 to 1 odds sometimes and give myself an opportunity to win. I felt like I played up to my standards minus 1 hand where I got check raised on the river. I had top pair, and trips had hit, my opponent had 810 for trips and I had a10. I really have to give him props for that play though and I really faulted myself for playing scared and not betting any streets until the river. O, I guess I won 4 buyins in hu today and bought in with that money so I still have a 520 dollar bankroll in ftp to grind lol. At least until rakeback gets here. I had to give myself a chance right? I took a lot of 2 to 1 shots like getting it in with the flush draw that didn't work, I don't think I hit any of my putting someone all in draws. Next time, next time...

Gambling Shoes On

I guess you do really miss 100 percent of all shots you don't take. Well hopefully I'll make one tomorrow playing in my biggest tournament ever. I have 470 dollars on ftp, and I guess I'll buy in for nearly half of that. Seeing how I dropped 80 bucks today and close to 200 yesterday, I've never been scared to play underrolled. In fact, I relish the challenge. Whatever happens there will be no bitching about tomorrow's end result. If I get knocked out early, then it was not meant to be. If I bubble, I will not play scared and play to win. I'm just going to try to get my chips in with the best of it every time because that's really the only thing I can control. Maybe it is not just meant to be, but maybe it is. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I haven't been this excited for an extended period of time in a while, I can already feel my blood pumping and wanting to jump as high as I can right now. Hopefully I'll begin my ascent to cloud nine in o about 20 hours.

CQ+PQ>IQ

This is Thomas_Friedman's equation on success in the modern world. Curiousity and Passion are more important than anything in the world because information is so readily available. Hence the sum of curiousilty quotient and passion quotient are greater than intelligence quotient. I know for a fact I have more of both on the left side of the equation for poker than anything in the world. I just need to prove it now with 2p2, training sites, books, and readily accessible games at any time. I have no excuses not to work hard on being better tomorrow than I am today. The money is nice, but at the end of the day, it's really the freedom and fun I see poker providing that draws me towards it. I've read a few interviews of the "professional poker players," Dan Harrington and Jesus Ferguson saying something in the effect that if you could make a lot of money playing poker, you could probably make a lot of money doing anthing else. I agree on the levels that it takes a lot of discipline and hard work to become a great poker player, but I disagree about making a lot of money else where. That is like saying Michael Jordan could have made a lot of money if he didn't play basketball because of his will and determination to succeed. I don't agree with it, because some doors in life aren't open to some people, and it's the door their passion lies that is the ultimate gate. Again, it is what it is, there is no fair, there is no unfair, there is just that.

I dropped a little more than 3.5 buyins today at 6max. It was very depressing in how I played. I played a bit more laggy than usual, leading to more variance. I was doing fine until I lost a big coinflip where q9s called my jj 3bet. Got it all in against the flush draw and obviously it rivers. Then, I proceed to have my aa cracked by 1010 that didn't have odds to setmine. That is on top of the kk set that turned against my flopped set of 4's. I really need to respond better to adversity and just be a warrior and play through it. I think I should be happy 1010 gives me that much action, and the 44 hand I guess I deserved it after making a "gay" reraise on the flop as Raptor calls it. Still, I mean I didn't want to scare my opponent off. The lost coinflip should have been an opportunity for me to show what I'm made of as how we deal with these situations is what seperates the good players into the really good players. My ftops bankroll is in shambles again with just a bit under 500bucks as I wanted to withdraw 2k to pay for some bills. I really want to play ftops I, but am definitely not even remotely close for it. 10x buyin for one tournament is very risky, but a quarter of the br is probably pure gambling. (Then again time here and there has proven me to be a reckless gambler at many times) I really don't want to play sattelites to enter though, but maybe I should. It will be another step in learning another part of the game.