HEM corrupted

My database just messed up and I can no longer access any of my past numbers. I just created a new database and am laughing at how good I feel. I would think I would be Wow I run like shit, but I really feel relieved almost. It feels like a fresh start and even though I say numbers aren't important, when your ptbb/100 is miniscule and you grinded through another 100k hands month, you feel like shit. Here is to a new year, and I guess it corrupted because I renegaded on my plan to not look under the sessions tab. X-files once had a quote that a world without a history is a world without a future on one of the trippier episodes on time travel. I feel like my written history just went poofed and I feel great about the future. All those hands are internalized in my head and fuck the numbers anyways.

I Don't Want to Bitch

but i fucking hate this fucking game so fucking much. I have not run this terrible in a while. blah blah blah what does it even mean to run bad? Even after reading internetpokers on cr's great post about stfu people about running bad, i'm going to run my mouth about how bad i ran today. I'm really trying to think about the post and how it's not running bad, but I am down right now and it's frustrating as hell. Internetpokers was so right, poker is a whore. I'm going to get a girlfriend by the end of the year just to see if it compares to the emotional exhaustion poker puts me through.

1) got set over setted twice
2) ran kkk into turned quads
3) misclicked raised 99 in sb to 12 dollars and bb shoves and I outlevel myself thinking he knows that and he has aa
4) get full stacks in on a turned nut str8 with opponent having a gutshot somehow and good river
5) countless binks by my opponents, bricks by me, and I just suck at this game lol
6) BBJ hit at 50nl in AP, but somehow I was 8 tabling 100nl tonight so gg 1.3k
I can stfu now and move on. I'm probably not down too much money-wise, a couple hundred probably. I'm really doing my best not to look at how much I'm up or down.

OK, no more bitching about running bad. On days like this, I'm so glad I only play 50nl, I'm going crazy right now. It probably wasn't that bad monetary-wise, o well guess I do what Kobe said: "Whine about it tonight. Lot of wine, lot of beer, couple shots. Maybe like 20 of em. Digest it, and get back to work tomorrow." My tilt issues haven't gone away. If I was in Vegas now, here I go networth on red. I am going to the gym tomorrow and have a feeling I'll set a new pr on the bench. Thank God I've at least learned not to tilt with my poker bankroll by seeking action in hu. I'm laughing hysterically right now, I think I'm broken.

Living for the Moment

I feel like I'm in such a slump, I just dropped a few more buyins and am feeling the blues. I think I need to stop being so results oriented. I constanly refresh my HEM to check my ev and how I'm doing. I've always known this hasn't been the right route, but never had the discipline to do anything about it. Starting from this moment on, I'm not going to check my bankroll or have HEM running while I'm playing. I'm just going to keep it basic and get the money in good. Who cares how I'm running or how much I'm winning or losing. I need to do this and won't even reveal hands unless I feel like I need to tweak something. I'll also only check my stats at the end of the month and see how I'm doing then. That's when I'll make all the proper adjustments and such in my game and bankroll. I need to forget all these swings, because even though I've adjusted well with my bankroll size padding the damage, I'ld be lying if I said I don't feel frustrated when "running bad" or in the midst of a downswing. So no more checking bankroll every moment or ev graphs and such, just live for the moment and get the money in good. I think it'll be better for my game, but I know it'll be better for my mental health and happiness.

Taking A Break

I really want to get in some hands right now, but school is starting to pick up and I just found out that I can't graduate by the end of summer. A heartbreaker, as I realize that it's making me miserable. The worse of downswings are better than the best days at school because I can try to play out of them and enjoy the game immensely. A bunch of thought experiments I just read about has confirmed my beliefs of what I want to do with life. http://calnewport.com/blog/2009/01/22/5-thought-experiments-that-might-change-your-life/ I also am not going all out and burning myself out by either playing poker or doing schoolwork. I'm going to play when I want, but I'm going to try my best to put schoolwork first and make the best of it. I don't want to fail any of my classes and have to extend my stay here. I'm growing use to the swings of poker because of my padded bankroll, but am scared to move up. I like the fear, and can't wait to face it. In the Superbowl, I'm not sure if I want to take the a side of the spread, but I really think the Steelers are going to blow them out. I'm debating betting 500 bucks on Steelers moneyline and Cardinals +7 ensuring a loss only if the Cardinals win outright. My other plan is to put all of my playoff winnings, 1160 dollars, on Steelers moneyline. Decisions, I guess that's what life is about. I just love listening to the Nickelback song, If Today Was Your Last Day.

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
Tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
Tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
Tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Arizona One Time!

I just finished a session where I'm really happy with how I hung in and gave myself a chance to get lucky. I need to constantly remind myself how good I have it no matter the beats. Bad beats are the name of this game, it's how you deal with them that makes you a champ. Anyways, let's go Cardinals tomorrow. I want to see a Cardinal/Pitt matchup although an all Pennsylvania superbowl would be nice. Nice story, but not for my wallet or a Kurt Warner revival. I booked 200 dollars on cards +3.5 and 200 dollars on them at +150 moneyline. I also booked Pittsburg at -6 for 200 dollars. I really need to get better at shopping for lines and anticipating movement because I think I should have gotten at least +4 for the Cardinals. I guess that's something I'll work on next season, I really need to learn to get better prices.

Bad Session

I played for about 90 minutes and dropped 4 buyins in an attempt to move up. I was ridiculously tilted and felt like giving my monitor a hole in the center. I am going to attempt the factors that made the session such a nightmare. I feel good about my game overall though, but the failure has given me new motivation and less complacent. I was so tilted, I pulled myself out of the game for the first time I remember in a long long time.

1. It's still the same game, stop overadjusting
2. Don't get worried about the money, it's just a number
3. Don't Tilt
4. Keep Grinding

How to be a Professional Poker Player?

I've been putting a lot of volume in thus far this year and am very satisfied with my hours so far. I had an ephiphany of the job description besides winning flips. I think everyone can be a poker player the moment they sit down and get dealt cards. I really know I know how to play this game from a strategic and tactical point of view. It's the professional in the title that is the problem. Being professional means being able to grind the hands when things aren't going well. It's all the decisions away from the actual game on the felt. It's not raising when, checking when, or bluffing when. It's when to start playing, for how long, or when to stop. That's the more essential component of what I need to work on this year. There is winner's tilt, loser's tilt, and break-even tilt. I'm going to focus on not tilting as much and when I do to remember to calm down and take a deep breath and reflect on how nice everything is. In winner's tilt, I need to remind myself to stay grounded and how little I've accomplished. In loser's tilt, I need to remember that "Everybody will eventually run worse than they thought was possible. The difference between a winner and a loser is that the latter thinks they do not deserve it." In break-even tilt, I need to remind myself how lucky I am to get to do this whenever I like. In all the tilts, I need to ask myself should I pull myself from the tables or am I good to play my best. I also put 200 bucks on all the home NFL teams this weekend. 2-0 so far, let's cover, Minny and Miami. LOL, I guess I like a gamble because I didn't even look at the analysis around the web at all, I just saw all the home teams were dogs or only pick'em, public was on the road team, and I decided that lets flip. I love the dogs.