Blog Status

For a while, this blog has been my outlet when tilt has gotten the best of me. I can say that I think the problem is inside my head and if I just move on and don't think about it too much, granted that I have a bankroll and an edge, I'll be fine. I don't want to post anymore about my beats or the negative aspects of this game because "sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains." I have to admit that in this blind journey thus far, I'm not finding what I seeked so much of in the first place, but it's leading towards possession of what I have sought in the wrong place. The game has been here long before I have, and will continue to be here long after I'm gone, I'm just humbled and thankful to have an opportunity that many don't have. As long as I have an edge, I'll be fine. I'll ocasionally blog on reflections of the journey, but I don't feel as though I have to blog about every session of tilt anymore because I've matured to just playing the game through it all. There is nothing to get angry about, just things to learn to make a better decision the next hand. I've also decided I'ld like to go for supernova elite next year simply because I can. The monetary rewards behind it are nice, but I want to show how I'm a great grinder. It's a challenge that I want to conquer. As long as I remember to manage the bankroll and maintain an edge, I think I just might make it. The next update will probably be NFL season, because the emotional aspects of that game might require an outlet, but I think I've finally just become enlightened about tilt to where I can deal with it without an outlet for the frustration.

Yes I Can

"Whether You Think You Can or Can't, You're Right"--Henry Ford

It has been three years since my entry into the online poker world. I've encountered many setbacks and many successes. In two of the last three years I've derived my sole income from online poker. I am slightly worried what legislation by the wise government means to my career come the end of this calendar year, but I am just going to display some courage and accept that uncertainty is everywhere around life. I hope the next three years will demonstrate that I was right in that I can make it in this game. Sometimes I think I worry too much and don't take enough time to "smell the roses." I'll no longer be posting graphs or even monetary goals because I understand how counterproductive they really are. I'm also going to try not to talk about upswings and downswings because like TA said it best,

"All of my good streaks and all of my bad streaks of every length and depth have had one thing in common. They did not exist in your mind. They only existed in my mind. And this is true for everyone’s winning and losing streaks. None of them actually exist. They are all mental fabrication, like past and future. Everything that ever happens happens in the present tense. But how can you have a “streak” in the present tense? You can’t. And therefore, if you are in the present tense, which, in fact, at this time, you are, then at this moment there is no streak in your life. There is no inherent existence to streaks. The streak is there when you think about it, and when you stop thinking about it, it goes away. It blossoms and withers, all in your mind. And when your mind invents a streak, you believe it exists, because you believe what your mind tells you. But the truth is there is only the hand you are playing."

I am a very lucky individual to be here typing down my thoughts on the internet at this moment in time. I'm very lucky to even have the prospect of poker working out. Everything is always relative, and I wish to have the courage to follow my thoughts, because Henry Ford said it best.

The Bankroll is..

not just very important to one who plays for a living,
it would be like saying:
no hammers and nails to the carpenter,
swimming without water,
basketball without a hoop,
novel without words,
party without alcohol,
position in poker,
variance in omaha,
identity and people,
...
I need to stop worrying once I have a strong bankroll because it'll be the moat that keeps this castle safe. I need to just worry about getting the money in good.

Grinder vs. Glory

I think that I've come to realize that I'll never be the Mike McDermott of the world. I'm the Knish of the world and there is no shame in that. I'll never have those shots with the bands of Benjamins at the felt or be on High Stakes Poker with Durrr to my right and Zigmund to my left. I'm really content, so much so that I'm worried I've grown complacent and satisfied. Although the positive of that is that I'm really happy, really happy without any worries like a child. At the end of the day, life is good, but I'm struggling with a crisis now. I now realize I don't want to go through the swings it'll require to be at the top, and I also realize I don't really know exactly what I want from life. The absence of an answer to that question really haunts me, but I just want to take the precious moments in the day as it comes. I'm ok with that, because despite not knowing, I feel a kind of happiness money can't buy. At the end of a life, a grinder might not bask in any glory, but time turns all glory into bits and bits of dust. In the brief time that was walked on the Earth, I rather enjoy everything that shouldn't be then fooling myself in the illusions of the truth.

July Goals

100K NLHE hands [ ]
10k PLO hands [ ]
Finish 4 different books [ ]
Hit gym at least 3x a week [ ]
Cash out 5k [ ]
Run mile under 7 minutes [ ]